Do you remember kindergarten? Do you remember what it was all about? Shapes, letters, numbers, perhaps learning to read and to tie your shoes. Sure, those were the academics. But it was also about many intangible things. Playground dynamics. Sitting quietly. Listening patiently. Also, if you were like me, it was about learning from and respecting an authority other than my parents. If you were like my kids, it meant learning from and respecting your parent(s) in a new role. Kindergarten was a blending of the inner and outer life, the tangible and intangible, the already known and the yet to be learned. It was a big step in the direction of functioning well in the world at large. 

    Kindergarten for many is the milestone moment, the major metaphorical event when a child learns to share. And I don't just mean their favorite crayon with the kid across the table. It requires a sharing of the whole self. A sharing of time and attention, those intangible possessions that adults most cherish, on things that might not interest the child 100% of the time (recess and lunchtime yes; phonics, no). It's about sharing interests and empathy as the child attempts the monkey bars with their new best friend and then rushing to find help when the friend inevitably falls and grazes their knee. It's also about learning to trade jealousy for joy when that same best friend masters the monkey bars first. The experiences of kindergarten go a long way in laying a path and shaping the character of children. It does this in many ways through the practice of sharing, through giving of self to or for something or someone else. 

    This year I've needed to be reminded of the lessons I learned so long ago in kindergarten. I wish that as a wife, mother, daughter, and friend, that it was as simple as rolling a crayon across the table, knowing I'll get it back in a minute or two. Looking back that seems so easy, but at the time it wasn't. We always grasp tightly the things we love the most, and that emotional reflex doesn't change much as we age. The things we cherish will change, but our fierce feelings of ownership and protection won't. Back then it was a crayon, or a swing on the playground, or my attention during a lesson. Now, it's my willingness to forgive, to let go of bitterness, to continue loving people even when I don't really trust them because I've been hurt one too many times. Now it's about my willingness to do the hard thing, knowing full well how hard it truly is. And this year has been hard.

    The lessons I learned in kindergarten to be kind, do good, and share, only go so far. Ultimately it's pretty easy to ignore those admonishments and switch back to how I want to live my life. There has to be a greater reason to give up what I want for someone else. There is. And His name is Jesus. Knowing Jesus has made all the difference in my motivations and abilities to follow those simple, terribly difficult rules for life.  Knowing Jesus makes things both harder and easier. Truly knowing Jesus means following Him as my example, my Shepherd, and my Lord. And yes that means green pastures and still waters, but it also means the valley of the shadow of death. But that valley is never endless, and the deaths I experience there are never without purpose. Each day Jesus is faithfully leading me in the way that I should go, not necessarily the way I want to go. So His leading can be hard, but it is always good. 

    Of all the difficult challenges that I face, Jesus is there first. He walks the road before me, He knows the safe way through, and even if it sometimes appears to be dark and full of death, I still trust His leading. I can trust Him because I know Him to be kind and wise, loving and good. If He were merely kind and loving, He'd take me on the easier path and skirt the challenges that help me grow as a person. If He were only wise, He might set me on the right path but then walk behind me and see how I handle things for myself. But because He is all of those things all the time He leads me and never leaves me. 

    Just like in kindergarten I am still being taught to share, to let go of the things I treasure most and to trade them for something better. In kindergarten I traded crayons for goodwill and jealousy for trust and friendship. I traded my time and attention for a greater knowledge of the world. Now I trade my preferences, my comfort, my desire to protect my heart because that's what He asks of me, and I trust Him. Not blindly or stupidly. I trust Him because I know He did it first, for me. He traded His comfort, His preferences, His desire to guard His heart and body from pain - for me. I have seen the ultimate example of sharing. And so I follow Him through plentiful pastures and barren valleys, content in His leading, knowing that goodness and mercy are following me, and ultimately I will dwell in His house forever. 

-Ashley