It's early Saturday evening. I'm sitting in a restaurant with my family, trying to juggle eating a rice bowl and coaxing my daughter to eat as well while she stands on my lap. I've not felt well all day, and that feeling of un-well-being is only compounded by the bodily and mental tiredness brought on by an afternoon of shopping with a 4 year old and 1 year old for diapers, toilet paper, and paint hardener (we are moving and need to dispose of our ridiculous number of leftover paint cans). This moment with my daughter standing on my lap, dropping bites of rice and chicken on me while crumpling a quesadilla in her chubby fist is not what I want to be doing. It's not where I want to be. I want to be looking pretty and riding alone with my husband on our way to a movie. Or shopping for something that I can't find in a home improvement store. Or just asleep. I just don't want to be Mommy right now. Because right now being Mommy is unpleasant and messy and just plain hard.
And then for some reason I lean toward my daughter and sniff her arm. Her smooth, pudgy, warm little arm. And that smell changes my entire demeanor. Her sweet baby smell disappeared a long time ago and was replaced by her own special scent of toddler. Her whole life is right there on her skin. Body wash and snacks and sheets and dirt and everything else. Her gorgeous little being is right there, right beside my face, and when I breathe it in I don't want to be anybody else doing anything else. Because how empty would my heart be without this little girl who is joyous and joyful, even with her occasional (okay, sometimes frequent) fits of temper and stubbornness? Who could I love as much as I love her handsome blue-eyed brother across the table, with his own amazing gifts and challenges and quirks? His charming absurdities and qualities that make him one of the most delightful people I know?
Knowing what I know now, and knowing who I know now, these precious little people, how could I really un-wish that for myself? Being in this moment is all I ever really wanted or planned for in my life. Okay, I didn't really plan on queso on my jeans and having to do a balancing act just to eat my dinner. But I also didn't plan on the intensity and depth of love I feel for these two. Because I didn't know. I couldn't know.
Kids have plenty of smells associated with them, most of which are unpleasant and unwelcome. But sometimes those smells are sweet and endearing, reminding parents why we wanted this in the first place, why we wake up everyday to it, why we would do it all over again. Sometimes, a smell can change a moment and save your day.
-Ashley
